On Being a Sterling
The tacit (unspoken) premise of this assigned title is that the descendants of the Charles and Esther Sterling family are different from other folks. They are either brighter, more compassionate, more loving, harder working, more productive, or eviler than members of other American families. This is a questionable premise. Fundamentally, Sterlings are much like other American families. But, maybe there are some subtle differences. Partly as a consequence of the large family size and the extreme range in ages, Sterlings may be at some variance with average Americans. The oldest child (Bruce) was 15 when the youngest (Peter) was born. Between these two, and in descending age, were Dorothy, Peggy, Fanny, Winfield, Scott, Ruth, and John. There was a natural break in the family based on age. Only seven years separated the first five children. After Winfield, there was a 4-year break before Scott was born. It was often said that there were fundamentally two families, separated between Winfield and Scott. Members of the first family served as alternate mother and father figures for members of the second family. But, members of the first family had already left home and were no longer a major influence (for good or evil) when members of the second family were in their teenage years.
To be a Sterling is to be simultaneously selfish and generous. They are bossy, dominating, and loud, while also loving, caring, and gentle. Ask any two adult Sterlings to work together toward one goal and you will have two bosses, two ideas about how to accomplish the goal. However, their method of achieving control differs. Maybe the different methods depending on sex. Male Sterlings tend to be more direct - “This is what you should do.” Whereas female members are much more subtle - “If we all work together in harmony, we can accomplish this goal.” (Translation: This is what you should do). Bring together nine Sterlings and you are likely to have nine different ideas about how to accomplish some mission. Like a pack of wolves, there are historically dominant individuals that are primarily a function of age structure. Older children tended to dominate younger children. But, as children became adults, the younger children resisted this dominance and strove to relinquish their submissive role.
Older members do not relinquish their dominant roles easily. Only one has been known to give up his role; that is because he died. Some younger members seek to become dominant; others seek only to escape from being dominated. Historically, those seeking to become or remain dominant favor family reunions - those wishing to escape domination resist reunions. But, more and more, I think most of us attend family reunions because we fundamentally like each other.
There are also historical resentments and conflicts between individuals based on real and imagined injustices perpetrated on each other. The injustices of older members perpetuated on younger members continue to be the source of stories during family reunions. Sometimes minor skirmishes in childhood battles grow over the years in the memory of the persecuted, so the persecutor achieves the reputation equivalent to a torturer of witches in some religious inquisition.
Patterns of behavior established during childhood continue to be a major source of conflict between adult individuals. Younger family members often resent their older, bossy, siblings. Some older siblings question whether younger members are irresponsible concerning their own welfare. Some members resent the carefree attitude of others toward some attribute or moral/ethical ideal held in high esteem by themselves. Religion is a relatively minor source of conflict although several profess to have no religious beliefs. The notion that the religious are consoled by the belief that they will profit from a benevolent afterlife and the non-religious by happiness in this life is an over-simplification but contains elements of truth. Individuals in the family may hold varying degrees of the “I’ll get mine now” vs. the “You get yours later” philosophies. Political afflictions have been a major source of conflict, but seem to be moderating as we age. The rigid “My side is right” philosophy is slowly being replaced by “Even though my side is right, I will try to refrain from shoving it in your face.” There are even some “oddballs” that see some virtue in both right-wing economics and left-wing concern for others and the earth on which we live. Fundamentalist religions hold little attraction to the Sterling family.
When philosophical differences appear, they are usually resolved with tender consideration for the feelings of the other party. One of the most frequently used tactics is to simply suggest the other is “full of ....” This invariable achieves the desired result - at least with infrequent bloodshed.
Our childhood memories are tainted by the real and perceived injustices toward each other. But, if we ask the question: would we rather have grown up in any other family, my answer is no! We had parents who loved and supported us. They showed their love in different ways. Riding with Dad in his pickup as he toured the fields and pastures revealed his love of the land - of planting the seed, watching it sprout, grow, and mature. I do not ever remember him using the word “love.” But, I felt it. He was certainly concerned with my well-being, whether he was trying to force me to go to school or searching for ways to assist with my costs of attending college. He was very proud of us and our achievements. The sound of the “Sterling Sisters Trio” practicing, with their mom accompanying them on the piano, was very special to him. He sometimes found pleasure in other of his children’s accomplishments, such as not failing school or not skipping school too much. There were also ribbons at stock shows, lots of good grades by his daughters, help around the house and farm, and success at adult professions. Overall, I think he was proud of all of us.
Mom filled us with the joys of nature. “How can anyone doubt that there is a God in heaven? Simply look upon the beauties of nature and you will see the evidence of his creation.” The song of the canyon wren, the cardinal, and mockingbird attracted her attention. Through her, we also learned to be drawn to the sights and sounds of nature. Yes, we had good, kind, loving parents, but they were overwhelmed by the abundance, hunger and noise level of nine kids and their assorted friends. Mom was filled with compassion for the underdog -- especially blacks. Martin Luther King was sort of her hero. And, she is the one that would feed hungry "wetbacks" who were recent immigrants searching for work.
What does it mean to be a Sterling? It means having lived in a home with 8 brothers and sisters that really cared about your well-being. Helping a younger member through the years when they were painfully shy. It means looking forward to a future of simply enjoying each other’s company.
Disclaimer: These subjective perceptions concerning the family are based on my observations and are not supported by copious amounts of objective data. Thus, through the eyes of other members of the family, the perceptions may be entirely different. Certainly, my perceptions are not infallible. However, maybe being the middle child gives me some unique perspective.
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| And, what kind of role does this Sterling play? |
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