Peripateticis
June 20, 1998
Peripateticis is an enjoyable disease -- an affliction that seems to take over the body and mind, leaving the patient with a diminished sense of individual responsibility for their actions. When the human body is once contaminated, the victim’s mind becomes so confused that it begins to believe it is actually enjoying the sensation of being afflicted. One of the major symptoms of peripateticis can be observed in the behavior of Australian Aborigines. They may leave the responsibilities of their job and take off on a “walk-about.” Even though they understand the need to work and to earn a living, they cannot seem to help themselves – they are compelled by some inner force to go for a walk in the Australian bush. After a few days or weeks in the bush, they return to their jobs for a while before taking off again – much to the consternation of their employers. They seem more interested in the irrational act of moving about than in the reasonable act of fulfilling the responsibilities of a job and earning income to support their families.
Interestingly, peripateticis is not known to reduce the longevity of afflicted humans. As a matter of fact, some of the afflicted seem so happy that their life-span may even be longer than average. No pathogen has yet been identified as the causal agent for the condition. There is no known association with any auto-immunological dysfunctions or diseases such as cancer. It is simply some perturbation of the mind that causes the patient to move about more than the average person. The increased movement can take many forms. It may take the form of an ambulatory locomotion such as walking or running. It may also result in increased movement by a machine such as riding a bicycle, driving an automobile or excessive travels in a motorhome. Long hikes on trails in forests and mountains, along the beach, and in parks is another common feature of the afflicted. Persons with a particularly severe case of peripateticis have been known to even sell their homes and property to help finance their irrational behavior.
One of the symptoms exhibited by afflicted individuals is a sort of irrational “high” somewhat akin to a person on hallucinogenic drugs. Sometimes on their walks or rides, they become euphoric and are known to sing, whistle or hum for no good reason.
There is no known cure for this affliction. Modern medicine has little interest in finding a cure because the afflicted have become so deluded that they actually believe that they are happy and healthy. Consequently, they can see no reason to pay some medical professional to diagnose their malady. These poor, deluded, souls actually do not wish to be cured!
Another symptom of this “disease” is that the afflicted tend to make up medical terms and symptoms. Sometimes they even write short stories to describe their real or imagined afflictions.
Obviously, this is a very serious malady that affects millions of men, women, and children throughout the world. As a consequence of this “disease,” folks are out having fun when they really should be working. Thus, one purpose of this story is to expose the dangers of this dreaded “disease” so that the medical profession can begin to focus on a cure. Please help us find a cure for this affliction by sending your comments and your ATM Card and PIN numbers to: The Peripateticis Foundation, winsterling@earthlink.net. Help make our civilization more productive! Help us live up to our Puritan heritage and work ethic. We promise to put the funds from this foundation to good use as we continue to travel about in searches of a cure.
We have heard serious rumors that a cure for this “disease” may be found by drinking the water of a particular spring found in the rain forests along the coast of northwest Oregon or Washington state. Even as you read this message, we will be conducting a tireless search of the Oregon Dunes National Recreation Area for such a spring. If the cure is not found there, then we will continue our diligent search in Idaho, Montana, and the Rockies of Canada. Many thanks, in advance, for your interest and your contributions to this worthwhile cause.
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